Black Friday: A How To Guide


Photo from Creative Commons via Petr Kratochvil

Morgan Paulson, Reporter

Annually, Karens and shopaholics alike head to their favorite stores on Black Friday to get the best deals of the year. For beginner Black Friday shoppers, this escapade can seem grueling and challenging, but have no fear; this routine will make sure you get all of the 50% off deals you desire while avoiding Karen encounters.

Your preparation for the feat should start in January, but if you’re just starting now, don’t sweat it. Well, sweat it out by doing some exercises. Shopping requires many different movements that your body may not be used to. Also, you need to build a lot of muscle in order to carry your finds and fight off anyone trying to steal your items. Shopper squats and top-shelf calf raises ensure you’re able to look at anything, no matter where it is located. Purchaser push-ups and buyer bicep curls build up those arm muscles for any punching and carrying that may be needed. Remember to practice your sprints so you can book it to the back of the store the moment the employee unlocks the door. All of these exercises will get you in tip-top shopper shape and are an essential part of the Black Friday routine.

“I’ve never worked out for Black Friday, but I will now!” senior and newbie Black Fridayer, Abby Volk, said.

Obviously, the day before Black Friday is Thanksgiving. This is where the next important part of your routine must happen; your Thanksgiving meal is vital to the shopping that will take place and can make or break it. You must eat early enough that the high-protein and high-carbohydrate meal puts you into a nice sleep before waking up early. So, be sure to force your family to eat a Thanksgiving lunch and eat as much protein and carbs as you can. Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, pie, and rolls are all perfect for achieving this. Then, while your family is cleaning up the table, sneak off into a quiet, dark room and fall asleep. But do not forget to set an alarm; this is most people’s weak point.

“I thought I set my alarm, but my phone must’ve died,” another senior and obvious newcomer, Jade Homewood, explained.

The real fun begins bright and early, at 2:00 a.m. on Friday. This allows you to get ready, beat the traffic, and be first in line at the best store in the world, Kohl’s. They open at 5, so you won’t have to wait long! Then, you can put those workouts to use and sprint in, buying all of the things you want before Karen, whose teenage daughter woke up late, gets to them and threatens your chances to get more Kohl’s cash. After that, you’re off to any other store you want.

“My mom, Karen, was the Karen, and I was the teenage daughter. I’m so sorry to anyone who lost a finger in the brutal battle that is Black Friday,” Homewood further described.

As long as you follow these steps, you’ll have a successful Black Friday! If your first one isn’t successful, no worries; you will begin preparing again in January. Good luck, and stay safe!